I Don’t Yet Own My Place on the Autism Spectrum
Have I pursued my own truth as an Autistic person?
This summer marked five years since I was diagnosed by a professional. Had the designation still existed, it would almost certainly have been Asperger’s Syndrome.
Since then, I’ve acquired a retroactive clarity on my past that I continue to process. Far from a “eureka” moment, the proper contexts of my mistakes, puzzles, pains, and perspectives have only with time washed ashore on the beaches of my conscious mind.
I feel more compelled today than in previous years to investigate myself and explore the specifics of my own place on the Spectrum. Still, on the whole I have not pursued a greater understanding of how Autism affects me.
The one area in life wherein I have engaged in a full-throttled investigation into my Autistic nature is employment.
To ignore my Autism Spectrum Disorder during job hunts would be an unpleasant waste of time for all parties. I know; I did it for years before I knew I was on the Spectrum. Instead of accepting my difficulties, I felt obligated to “beat” them out of myself for the sake of finding or keeping a job, any job. When of course that didn’t work, I felt guilty for being weak. Thankfully, the ASD diagnosis has for the most part removed that destructive tendency from my thoughts.
Still, outside of the proverbial rat race, I find I ask myself if I truly own, fully understand the nature and nuance of my particular Autism. I begin to think the answer might be “no.”
To be sure, ASD does not define me. It’s merely one component out of many that add up to who and what I am. I don’t paste labels over the entirety of who I am, Autism or not. Therefore, up until recently I’ve lacked the requisite curiosity into my own “neurodiversity.” I’ve never felt shame for it, and I never hide it, but I haven’t exactly engaged it, either. I’ve accepted its presence, and thought of or talked about it when it seemed most necessary. (See again: job search.)
Yet I wonder if being more in touch with the Autism facets of myself would contribute to overall self-satisfaction that I’m missing out on for now. Autism will always be with me, of course. Why not lean into it a bit?
What holds me back?
In truth, much of it is probably sheer momentum. I spent the majority of my life without any idea about my ASD. Though many out there become instant experts and/or activists upon being diagnosed, I didn’t. I wouldn’t say I shrugged it off, but I’ve seen it much like one does color-blindness — obvious in certain conditions, but easily compensated for, and afterward rarely thought of.
Okay, I am on the Autism Spectrum. Noted, but so?
There’s nothing wrong with that hands-off approach. Perhaps that is how you view it. Obviously I myself view it that way much of the time. Yet I suspect it may be time for a more deliberate engagement plan
If I’m wrong? The worst the happens is that I learn a bit more about one side of myself, and I go back to being unconcerned about it.
Best thing that can happen is I become a more whole human being.
